377 days - Blog #64, a tale of two sentences - or my stream of conscious as I start to edit this manuscript

So I’m sitting here at my computer contemplating this manuscript I abandoned a few years ago.  I did an overhaul just before committing to the completion of my vampire novel… and then somewhere between drafts I think I tried to start again.  The start again was only about four paragraphs at the beginning.  Four paragraphs and then the space of about five hits of the return key to show a gap between the newer beginning and the new-ish beginning.  In other words, I didn’t delete that which I was attempting to replace.

All this to say, I have two opening sentences.

The newer: “They would discuss her marriage.“

The newish: “Leora wanted to run.” 

I think I know which one to choose.  I don’t much care for passive voice.  And yet… I like the idea of it and thinking on that intention.

They both start the same story – a story that isn’t going to change its roots, no matter the detail I am about to infuse into the paragraphs.  Both sentences are the entrance to a footpath towards the same scene that I wrote 24 years ago in the old Quabbin library.  Just one is direct… and the other is passive.

Maybe I notice it because when I edit – anything – be it a manuscript or emails at work or an employee handbook, passive voice screams at me.  An excessive use of words.  Not taking responsibility for the action of the scene.

And that is what is happening there.  My young heroine literally wants to avoid being responsible in the scene.  So one sentence passes the blame to what she thinks others are saying about her.  One sentence owns what she wants to do.

We do what we do because it is in our gut to do such a thing… or we worry about what others will say or think and wish us to do.  That’s life, isn’t it?  Or at least another variation of the Hamlet theme.

Of course I would try to bring a book I wrote back to Hamlet.

It is about a young royal trying to figure out her obligation to duty versus her heart.  Something I started writing at 15 when I was thinking about college.  I revisited it in my early 20’s when I wanted to go somewhere else in my life.  And then at age 30 when I was ready for another reset button.  All times in my life when I was asking myself that do I follow duty or my heart question.

I couldn’t commit to the revision three years ago, which is why I stopped after four paragraphs.  Four very passive paragraphs.  

Maybe I think too much about my writing.

I mean, it’s just an opening sentence.  

It is the first sentence.

Leora wanted to run.