377 days - blog #152, decisions

So tonight I went out and shoveled the inch… and a half… maybe two inches of snow off my driveway twice.  I’m a little obsessed with it not having tire treads embedded that will become ice.  And that would be the inevitable consequence of the fact I was hosting a readthru at my house tonight.  

The happy consequence of that is the cold air did some good for the congestion of my nostrils and there was also a rapid pacing back and forth as I swept the dusty flakes to the side of the driveway.  The cold and the rhythm were good for my head.

I’ve been contemplating some more about that epiphany from the weekend.  I have long considered myself pretty easy going.  I’m not typically too particular about things and won’t put up a fight about things not being a certain way.  I consider that a strength of mine.  I think – in some circumstances – it shows I have some perspective that some things really aren’t that big a deal.  So.  Whatever.

I maintain that ‘easy going’ nature often.  If posed a question like ‘what do you want to do?’ or ‘where do you want to go for lunch?’ or ‘do you like this?’ I typically shrug and put it back to the person asking the question.  But that… that isn’t about perspective or believing there are more important battles to pick.  That’s about avoiding the battle and not having the courage to own a decision.

It’s funny how life holds up a mirror.  Well, it’s not funny really.  That’s my way of saying that I get really irritated when life reflects back to me a behavior I know I need to fix in myself.  And as such, I seem to be noticing a lot of indecisiveness lately.

Sometimes that’s okay… and relatively harmless.  It usually just means we end up going to the same place for lunch we did last time… because… why rock the boat?  But sometimes a decision is necessary.  It is necessary to fix a problem.  To remedy an emergency.  And delaying the solution may not create a disaster… but it is unfair.  It puts the person waiting for an answer in a very awkward position.

But who wants to make a risky decision without getting the validation of other opinions?  Then – something that either floated into my brain while washing the dishes or pushing the snow – I realized… having an opinion is an easy form of decision making.  Making a choice is not.  One is passive and can deflect responsibility.  The other is all about claiming responsibility – and the fallout, good or bad.  One is a demonstration of leadership.  One is a demonstration of control.