having the steerage of my course, directing my sail, and rocking the boat

A week ago I attempted to write a blog about change four or five times. But the verbiage seemed so cliché for the end of the year. So obvious… and not at all resonant with what I was feeling. Plus, I’ve already written about change in this blog a few times.

My philosophy isn’t much different from what I have writ before. Change is inevitable. It happens every breathing second. Right now there are clouds moving this way to thicken the atmosphere with cold white moisture that will cover the roads this evening. Then the sun comes out to melt it away. This morning I observed the most obvious change, as I drove into work from Worcester and saw the sky go from dark to gray to sun within the hour it took to get here. And now I feel the wane of my caffeine that powered said drive, making my eyelids heavy.

Those are obvious changes. Things in which I have had little or no hand… except that I changed my observation point by commuting from a different city and requiring the coffee at an earlier hour. So… I guess that does prove the point that change can just happen on its own or I can be author to it… at least the observation. And quite often, the things that alter the regularity of life are the little details that just happen, like snow melting or the frozen earth cracking the roads. 

Change becomes visible when it hits a larger scale. I suppose that is when I feel helpless. I recognized an upheaval of my reality two years ago. I knew there was a tornado coming. I didn’t know what to do. In some ways, I reacted badly. I got defensive… and then offensive… and didn’t take the reins of the charging horse. And it sucked.

That horse is ready to get out of the stable again. And to continue such a dopey metaphor, I am steering the path this time. Present situations have outworn their usefulness… and the universe is shaking things up. But I feel in control of the chaos, or at least in charge of my ability to navigate. It’s exciting. It’s pretty damn scary. But… funny thing is, when I let loose that grip of that which needs change, so many things fall into place. And suddenly the world fits together in a way it never did before.