what dreams may come

Maybe it was the fact Mars is in Leo and moved out of retrograde yesterday. Or maybe it was some other magnetic pull from the stars on the chemicals in my brain. Or maybe it was the fact I indulged in alcohol (Lent be damned) and some decadently greasy food to abate the pangs of another stressful Wednesday. But I had some vivid dreams last night. Not just what I saw, but what I felt.

I can’t say that I often dream fantasy. Well, I do have those dreams where someone famous makes an appearance. But I don’t often conjure up the alternate reality to the what ifs of my life. Last night I found myself playing out a scene where I had a conversation with someone who broke my heart. I was able to be completely honest about the devastation… and got an apology.

When I woke up, I wasn’t surprised this was just a dream. In fact, I doubt that it will ever be a reality. I have tried to start a conversation with this person… and I know that even if it were to happen (which it likely won’t), it wouldn’t play out so nicely… so cathartically. And yet… the dream was cathartic. Because, in the morning light, I realized it wasn’t about that person apologizing to me. It was about me apologizing to myself… and then forgiving myself for opening my heart up to someone and letting them in to hurt me.

I needed that. I didn’t realize it until I let that thought register this morning. It’s still settling into acknowledgment… but it is the sort of acceptance that will loosen my grip on resentment… and the frustrated hope that the alternate reality of my dream will not manifest itself.

I’m not a unique individual in that my heart was crushed by the betrayal of a friend. We all do things to other people – to people we love – for reasons other than logic and in spite of our better nature. And maybe we feel guilty. Or maybe we pretend not to care because we argue that the person deserved to be mistreated. I’ve been on both sides of this emotional angst. And I’m sure the pain I’ve clutched within me is part of my karma.

But the point this morning, as I feel the gap of sunlight creak into that black humor, is not about the why it happened. Or the what if. Or the what could have happened differently. It’s about the fact that somewhere within me I decided it was time to stop holding so fiercely onto that anger and hurt. I had to apologize to and forgive myself.

Sometimes dreams are just bizarre distortions of reality. But sometimes it requires a distortion to see things clearly .