My mind is clearer now... at last all too well

Hey, so today is Palm Sunday. I actually remembered that before today. In recent years, I often don’t remember until I turn on ABC and see Charlton Heston baring his glistening pecs as he makes bricks out of mud. Or – wait… that’s Passover. Well… anyway, my attention to the calendar is… well, in Banned mode. 

Back in the days of my Catholic devotion, I was a lector. And I was ecstatic when I got to read for Palm Sunday. It was like a mini play. I relished the opportunity to make those words live and not drone in the thirty minute reading of Jesus’ story. But you know, I lost my religion. Sitting and listening to a priest tell me how I should feel guilty for being a bad person because Jesus died a brutal death for my sins… well that doesn’t do much for me these days.

But I can’t deny… I still get this urge to listen to Jesus Christ Superstar at this time of year. I have to say it is probably my favorite Andrew Lloyd Weber. (Yes, I admit that I like Andrew Lloyd Weber – well some.) But… JCS is … well playing as I write this. It’s partly the musical theater thing… but it’s also a piece of music that made my sixteen year old self think a lot about religion.

Seriously? Yeah. Seriously.

I remember listening to the record in my study area in our basement (a partly refinished room decorated with photos of 1940’s movie stars, Broadway posters, and equipped with my state of the art IBM PC). I remember having an epiphany about my religion during John Nineteen: Forty-One. Thinking about the words my catechism inscribed in my brain – he died for us all. All. Every single human being on the planet. Each and EVERY person. No one was left out. Not by gender. Or race. Or class. Or generation. EVERY SINGLE human being.

Great, Jessie. You paid attention in CCD. Well, I was sixteen. That was a bit of a triumph considering I should have had confirmation-itis, right? Actually… considering I was a teenager, it was pretty freaking profound. And miraculous. Because something about that thought opened up a recognition that I wasn’t the only person who felt… well, anything. That other people were no greater or less than me. That they all felt joy and sorrow and fear and courage and… well, they all felt. Just like me. 

It actually freaked me out… as I started to think about how everything I said or did very well prompted an emotion. It’s an overwhelming thought for everyone – never mind a teenager. And eventually, I had to buffer my sensitivity and stopped thinking about it all the time… but it is something that even now, nearly twenty years later – after I long since decided that Jesus is not my path to salvation – that stays with me.

Because of Andrew Lloyd Weber? Seriously?

Call it what you well. Maybe it was divine intervention. I’m sure I have a reader or two who will see it that way. Another few will probably wonder what I was smoking… no, I wasn’t that kind of teenager. Sorry. And maybe a few of you – like me – will say it was a burst of self awareness. A moment of serendipity when I saw my place in the universe.

Maybe this is my religion. And thereby, maybe makes this blog something I detest. I’m not trying to convert you to jump inside my perspective. Or even understand it. It’s just something I was thinking about today as I was inspired to indulge my yearly tradition and stumbled into a conversation about the serendipity or determination of the universe.

I say on Facebook that my religion is what goes around comes around. KARMA. I believe in that. I don’t believe that people are inherently bad and need to choose good by bowing to the bodily mutilation of a Roman era Jew. I do think we should live by that Jew’s example and treat others as we would ourselves be treated. 

But you know what? I’m just one person of quadrillions who has traipsed this planet since BC. I don’t know everything. But… I feel. And I’m pretty certain the other quadrillion have had some similar sensation within their heart. And when I can, I remember that I should seek to live my life to make them experience the sensation I would want in my heart.

Happy Passover Eostre Spring Equinox Easter. Or what you will.