The Editing Mirror

I promised myself that I would run today and spend a good chunk of time editing. It feels as though I’ve been editing for a year. Well… I think it’s more like nine months. But that’s… well I could gestate a baby in that time. It’s a huge commitment of time. And… in spite of the fact it has passed (as time often does) with relatively unnoticed rapidity, it has changed me.

You know I’ve always written. I have gone through spurts of my life when I’ve been distracted by my job (Higgins was the biggest time suck of my life) or theater (which, actually comes pretty close to the Higgins temporal black hole). I would write a little during those periods, but not with severe enough devotion to, well, decide it made me a writer.

Because, I’ve realized, writing isn’t about getting published. Although it is a destination, I now believe the journey to that goal is what defines me. The process. It is what shapes my decision when gifted with a free day. I don’t want to go to the movies or volunteer to build a set or go shopping with friends. I want to spend time with my manuscript and… gosh, hit the delete key.

A few months ago I didn’t even want to think about that. Deleting. I spent so many months creating characters for whom I developed affection. To eliminate them and their subtext was akin to murder. Or at least some level of betrayal. But they aren’t real people. The person who was hurt was… me. So, really, it was about critiquing and revising pieces of my self.

That isn’t an easy thing to do. On my Facebook page, I post a quote of Roman philosophy. “A man needs a good mirror to scrutinize his heart as well as his face.” Easy enough to put on a Facebook page to project an idea of how I approach reality. Not so easy to live by. It is one thing to look at the surface of things, to primp it up with a little color and paint. But to look harder and more closely at what lies beneath isn’t so easy to do or so quick to fix. It is an effort and a process. And very, very humbling.

For me, it requires honesty. I am going to say without much humility I know I’m a good writer. I know I can weave words together in an unique voice. I’ve always known that. And it does give me a certain amount of hubris in writing. So that when I started this process I determined what I wrote was better than a lot of what else is out there. And maybe it is… but it’s still not the best that I can do or be.

I’m a Leo, prone to excessive pride. So is this push for perfection too much? It could be. But my lesson… and the ultimate point of this blog, really, is again the road that takes me there. It is that mirror. Looking into it and really observing the flaws. And you know what? Seeing imperfection sometimes allows one to see the perfection. The recognition of flaw sharpens my eye to the strength. To what is good. Sometimes you just need to see the dark to know the light.

I look at my 190,000 words and know there is a way to subtract 40,000. Is it easy? Hell no. Is it painful. Oh God, yes. Is it worth it? Totally and absolutely.

Is this a self-indulgent rant on my artistic process? Yes… and no. Because I will end with this. I haven’t done much theater since I started this love affair with writing. I went back to perform briefly last week and have slowly returned to the audience to see people I knew and liked well from my days of regular involvement. I see that art with different eyes now. I had a tendency to just look for the flaws, to look in the mirror and just see the face of things. But now, now I approach theater looking for the good. The good that will make the art better. And really, it isn’t just art to which I apply this attitude now. I think it is all encompassing. Seeking out the good things by which to direct my journey to add strength to the flaws.  Of life.  Of me.