shouldn't have to

I had a minor crisis of conscience over toilet paper yesterday. I was slightly aghast at the new cost of a package I have frequently purchased over the years… but recognize that is the inevitable trickle down economics of increasing gas prices and renovated Targets. So I looked around at the other options in the aisle, finding one on sale. But then… I couldn’t remember if it was one of those toilet papers I told myself I would never buy again because it fills the coffers of the Koch Brothers. I honestly couldn’t remember and thought if I purchased the sale price I just might. But I didn’t want to spend two extra dollars on toilet paper. It was a decent sale. So I just shut off the voice in my head and made that purchase… enabling me to buy some indulgent body wash that probably profits some other mega millionaire with whom I disagree about the world.

Turns out that paper wasn’t on the list. But… still, I think those men are vile. Evil. And when I have the cognitive ability to stop myself from contributing to their wealth, I will. And while I am absolved, I still feel a twinge of sick in my stomach because I made the choice that my two dollar savings was more important than solidarity with teacher unions.

I imagine a few people will read this and say I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Maybe some just won’t care. It’s toilet paper. It’s not going to change the world. That’s what I told myself while lingering in the aisle contemplating the issue. And is not the net result of savings a better thing anyway?

I mean afterall, this occurred in Target. Because I don’t want to buy the toilet paper at a local store. Not that I know of many local businesses that trade these paper goods any more. My other options are franchised grocery stores and pharmacies… I think. So… am I not committing another slight in the name of bargain hunting again? 

But bargains and savings and buying more for less is the American value system. Who cares if the actual value of the product is watered down by competitive pricing these days? The point is we SAVE money. We get to keep money. And we shouldn’t have to pay more when there is clearly an option not to.

Because it is my money, right? So what if my money comes from a machine of other people’s work and donations? So what if I use services and goods that are the result of other people’s hard work? Is not my money valuable in my wallet because it is MINE? I shouldn’t have to pay more for toilet paper because oil companies raise prices and affect the cost of delivery from whatever manufacturing plant in whatever part of the US staffed by whatever employees that make the product. I shouldn’t have to pay for it if I don’t want to.

I hate that phrase – shouldn’t have to. I use it here in complete mockery. Really, it’s just a passive way of saying I don’t want to. But by shirking the obligation, I look less like a jerk. And more like someone who knows her limits. Even if staying within those limits means something doesn’t get done or a liberty is taken. And yet… much though I ennoble myself by saying I don’t live by that philosophy… there I was yesterday in Target arguing what I shouldn’t have to pay.

I don’t think there is an actual answer to this muddling. I do think about it though. Not as a hope to rationalize my mistakes. But hopefully to ingrain in my conscious and conscience why it is necessary to purge myself of the shouldn’ts and live by the will.