mutantur omnia nos et mutamur in illis

Change is a funny thing. I crave it. I fear it. I condemn it for happening. I sneer when it doesn’t happen swiftly enough. And then… I marvel when all of a sudden I look up and realize… wow, time passed and what was real has a different shape.

I’ve been afflicted with this illogical melancholy in the week approaching my birthday over what hasn’t changed. Things I had hoped to accomplish by the mid section of my fourth decade. Improvements I have long promised myself to undertake. Circumstances I wish were different… but didn’t seem so very much.

But I’m sitting here, content after a day spent with the family celebrating Tuesday a little early. Juxtaposed to that is some sad news via a Facebook feed… and it sobers me, making me realize, hey, wait a minute. Things ARE different than they were a year ago.

I’m not going to give a laundry list. But one main shift of focus is… well, I’m readying myself for sleep because I know I really must get up at dawn tomorrow. Because… I want to. I would rather run than sleep. The not sleeping is still a chore. But once the pace picks up at the benchmark to end to my walk, I am happy about my activity. My legs relish the exercise. My breathing sinks to the lower part of my stomach… even at rest. My body has adjusted habit… and what it tells me to want.

That manifested itself at brunch today when in spite of the permissive allowance of a birthday celebration, I turned down the bacon quiche because I would rather the one with zucchini. 

Okay. So, I’ve developed some discipline. That’s my change. It’s a change of attitude. One I thought I had to force on myself… and now becomes a desire, not a punishment. Doing good things for my physical being makes sense now. It no longer seems a thing I have to do because someone tells me. I took control and recognize the power of my decision to alter my attitude… and as a consequence make myself a stronger being.

It seems so obvious… and yet… arriving at this way of thinking required overcoming so many… excuses and any number of procrastinations until tomorrows. Weakening my resolve and recognition of my own power by deciding to blame someone else for my bad habit. Those were just excuses to not make an effort. To not participate in the change to make it a good change. Because… the fact is, change happens no matter what. The world is in constant movement. Nothing stays fixed or remains as it was a moment ago. It can get worse, especially when we pretend we can’t do anything to affect the change. But when we lift our eyes and hope, we CAN direct that change. 

I’ve realized birthdays can be an excuse to get depressed about the things that haven’t happened, the fading of the qualifications of youth… OR it can be simply what the day is. A tip of the hat to the fact one has entered into a life on this planet. That the life is an opportunity every day to do something. The opportunity can be to stand still and just whine and pout about how miserable things are. But it is also the ever present opportunity to jump into life head first and take the reins of change. To make something wonderful happen. It can be as simple as a deep breath. A deep breath is the purest, most beautiful gift life has to offer. Birthday or not.