The Solidarity of Habit
So I’m entering week three of my temperance stint. I honestly… it’s surprisingly a non-effort. I don’t miss my glass of wine. I haven’t had many cravings. I even went to a party where there was plenty of opportunity for cheating (an opportunity I contemplated allowing myself in exchange for another week), but… I just don’t have the interest right now.
It didn’t stop people at the party from trying to get me to fall off the wagon. Geez. I think half the conversations I had were attempts to goad me into a shot or a glass of wine. Maybe I asked for it in my explanation of my self-inflicted challenge. But, I wasn’t trying to espouse the evils of alcohol or what it does to anyone else. I pretty much said it was a test of my willpower. So what do people do? They try to undermine it.
Last night I went to a play and met some old theater friends. I found myself in a very similar conversation about theater that I was having about drinking. Now… I didn’t give theater up to test my willpower. I did make the choice to stop doing it to make myself feel better, to get some perspective, and… well, break the addiction. I haven’t forsworn it completely, but I just don’t have the desire to do it right NOW.
It didn’t stop people at the party from trying to get me to fall off the wagon. Geez. I think half the conversations I had were attempts to goad me into a shot or a glass of wine. Maybe I asked for it in my explanation of my self-inflicted challenge. But, I wasn’t trying to espouse the evils of alcohol or what it does to anyone else. I pretty much said it was a test of my willpower. So what do people do? They try to undermine it.
Last night I went to a play and met some old theater friends. I found myself in a very similar conversation about theater that I was having about drinking. Now… I didn’t give theater up to test my willpower. I did make the choice to stop doing it to make myself feel better, to get some perspective, and… well, break the addiction. I haven’t forsworn it completely, but I just don’t have the desire to do it right NOW.
But the conversation was like that urging to have a drink. There’s nothing wrong with it. No. You like it. Yes. You miss it. Yeah, a little. But really… not really. So why don’t you? I felt like one of those skits you act out in school about peer pressure. Just say no.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. My drive home I was equal parts amused and tempted. I did let that sliver of thought enter my brain and contemplate a re-entry into the world on different terms. I thought about it. Then I went to sleep, woke up and saw the morning and realized… yeah no. I like my quiet nights at home writing, with a cup of tea.
I know I’ve done this… this pressure to join the ranks and abandon will. Especially when a friend has given up cheese and I try to convince them a slice of pizza ain’t so bad. Or that slice of brownie really isn’t a problem when one is counting calories. It isn’t malice. It’s self-preservation. I don’t want to feel bad about that brownie just because someone has decided it isn’t for them right now.
Look. Everything in moderation. That’s the rule these days, right? Well, I’m a fire sign. So I realize I need to check out every once in a while so I don’t get lost in my own enthusiastic zealotry. Not because I think things are bad. Because, honestly, I lose sight of the good. It becomes habit. So I do the things just because I always do. Not because I enjoy them. That’s why I stopped drinking. I wasn’t tasting it. I wasn’t savoring the glass. I stopped doing theater because it wasn’t fun any more. It was work. It was heartbreak. I know it will be fun again… but I’m not ready.
I do like to join the crowd every once in a while. But when I join, I want it to be with a free heart. A heart that chooses to partake in the joy and goodness. Not one that is shamed into belonging to the mindless drudgery.
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