My Right (and Goodness) to Not Be a Mother

Before Thanksgiving, I discovered I was going to be an aunt. I expected I would get this news at some point, but it was happy nonetheless. Especially because this joy is doubled by the fact my sister is having twins.

To be perfectly honest, accompanied with that bliss was a sobering realization that these twins may be the closest my life gets to progeny. I cried into my pillow that first night with that thought, that fear… and that sense of failure. Then I woke up the next day and shook it off because a. I’m going to be an aunt and b. I don’t want to be a mother right now.

I’ve spent a lot of time with friends and family who have recently added motherhood to their identity. I admire them. I envy them. I don’t want to be them. And yet… every once in a while I do feel that silent judgment of my choice to not do that. That because I am not devoting my non-working hours to a child from my womb, I am more selfish. I don’t work as hard. I don’t care as much. I waste my time… maybe even my life. I just don’t know what it’s like. Well, no, not exactly. I have an idea – and yes, I know it’s just an idea – but twenty plus years of taking care of other people’s children has given me a clue to the amount of work and lack of sleep child-rearing entails. So I get that it is one of the best most difficult jobs in the world. But just because I don’t have that job, does that mean I don’t have another best or difficult life path?

That judgment is just something you learn to live with and tolerate as an unmarried woman in the second half of her thirties. I have a lot of sympathizers, women who have done amazing things without raising a child, so I know I’m in good company. But there seems to be a lot of noise politically about women who choose to live a life without that identity of motherhood. That somehow, making that choice detracts from their humanity… and their goodness. So society has to set it right and make it into law that motherhood should not be a choice.

I used to believe that. I was raised Catholic. I also wanted to get married right after college and have five kids. Then I discovered bills… and took care of a lot of infants… and started to see cracks in marriages… and spent a lot of time with kids who needed an adult in their lives who weren’t parents. So, yes, some of the choice to be a non-parent was selfish… but some of it is most definitely selfless. And even good.

In fact, the main reason I came to a comforting conclusion that morning in November is because I want to do good things. Big good things. I want to devote the next part of my life to community development, diversity… and youth outreach. Maybe I am just channeling all that unspent energy I didn’t use through mothering… or maybe I can be a female and not have to have my altruism associated with the denomination of mother.

I respect anyone who disagrees with my sentiment. I know a lot of mothers who think that is the greatest thing ever – and good for them. I applaud their joy and happiness. I can even accept their discomfort with my choice of a separate path. I would just appreciate a legal system that had the same acceptance of me.