You Gotta Have Faith

The subject of faith has lingered in my brain this week. I’m not talking about a particular religion. No matter what some people like to say, faith is NOT synonymous with any ONE spiritual leader. But, I suppose, when I invoke this word, I am talking about a set of beliefs. And in my particular case, I believe in human goodness.

The start of this week rattled my confidence in accepting that truth. I came home after a wearying start to a lengthy week to discover a legal document demanding my payment for damages from a minor car accident THREE years ago. There are two sides to every story, sure. And I’m not going to deny I considered another viewpoint… but I’m not going to get into the details of why this defied logic and completely eradicated any legitimate cause for sympathy. But the very fact that this happened and the itemization of the claims … well, it made me feel violated. It was so slimy and sketchy, I was utterly disheartened. I felt alone, pessimistic, and misused. I found myself wondering if people really were good and if my goodness mattered at all if the universe could allow this to happen.

I am a selective exhibitionist. But my misery prompted a self-indulgent Facebook status, which begot SO many inquiries of sympathy and offers of love, support, and kindness. And so… the pendulum swung back the other way and proved that people ARE good. That even though we don’t speak all that often, there are people who do want to return the kindness I dispel into the ether. Is that shocking? It shouldn’t be, no. And yet… don’t we all forget when our burdens rest heavy on our shoulders and blind our vision from anything beyond what is front and center?

I regret that narrow minded focus… but you know what the funny thing is? Before the insurance company resolved this issue, that contracted vision made me angry. Now, I definitely have a temper. I’m a fire sign. Duh. But over the years, I try to keep it in check. This belief of human goodness makes me more sympathetic … maybe too sympathetic. Too forgiving. Too understanding. Too willing to turn my other cheek so slimy bastards can feel entitled to take advantage of my goodness.

This anger wasn’t about vengeance. Or wanting to hurl a vicious reprieve back at the one who did me wrong. But it made me realize that being kind doesn’t mean a passive acceptance of what is. That I’m not less good for seizing control. That standing up and saying the truth of what I believe and feel isn’t an offense, but a defense.

And you know what, that rejuvenated self-confidence changed everything about this week. Everything. It lifted up the blinders of my hurt and opened my eyes to so much that IS good in the world. To the point that our fundraiser was not only a success, but my favorite of the past four years. I had fun and came home with a high off the generosity of so many people who came together to raise hundreds of thousands of dollars to help fight school violence. And that isn’t just good, that is AWESOME.

I wake up this morning at the end of this week of lows and highs and realize that the thing about faith (whatever it may be to you), is one has to see the ugly to understand the beauty. But as beautiful as it may be and make me feel, it should never have power over me. It should never be an excuse to sit passively and let the world go by. Faith is just a tool to motivate me to get through the day. But it is me who will get to evening, an evening in a room padded with saris and free flowing wine and pink boas and an atmosphere drenched with human goodness.